I have never been in a more vulnerable season then I have been these past couple months.  After battling the up and down’s of weight loss I threw in the towel. Something was wrong. Everything I tried back fired. Every new eating plan, every work out, every group… Whatever I did, I’d lose some weight and then gain it back…sometimes double what I lost.  I was tired and at my wits end. After being really honest with myself I came to the conclusion that there was something deeper. Something more. Something weight watchers or the gym couldn’t fix.  So I did the one thing I hadn’t tried…. Counseling.

When I scheduled my appointment the reason for my going in was to discuss my weight. I wanted to give them the problem and expected to be given the solution and was hoping to move on and be thin already… Because “once I lose the weight I will be fine” at least that’s what I thought.

Before stepping into my first session I was a mess. The thought of being vulnerable and sharing things that were personal with someone was something that made my stomach turn. I physically wanted to throw up.  I knew what I wanted to happen but I had no idea what to expect.  I just wanted this weight issue to be done with.  Surely this one session was going to accomplish that, right?

Well, after guidance and allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting those I was meeting with I learned a few things about myself I didn’t expect.  Things that broke me at my core.  It was as if scales fell off my eyes and most importantly my heart.  I thought it would take one meeting… NOPE….God was asking for more.  He wanted all of me.

The months that past were busy and stressful.  I made every effort to meet with those counseling even when I felt guilty for bad eating I still went. Time and time again, God met me. Over and over He showed himself faithful and met me in these sessions.  Here are some things I discovered:

1. For years I have carried false burdens. Burdens that didn’t belong to me or burdens that were not meant to be mine but somehow years ago I began to carry them.  False burdens in my family, false burdens at work and even false burdens of what I expected myself to do. I was the oldest at home and from a young age I put a lot of pressure on my self to take care of and do things at home that I didn’t have to do but I did. When things were not accomplished I was so hard on myself.  Without recognizing it…I carried that into my adult life.
2. Because of the years of carrying false burdens I learned how to depend on myself. I trusted myself and you know, I mentioned this before but I didn’t realize how much I depended on my strength, my willpower, my motivation. No wonder I always felt defeated. In trusting in this mere human strength, I exhausted myself out.
3. Our family dynamics and culture play a significant role in the adults we become. Eating and health are definitely things that are cultivated as a child, teen, etc.  I come from a Puerto Rican family who love carbs, carbs, meat and more carbs on their plate. So confronting the family cultural dynamics was important as well as some of the dysfunctions while growing up, things that I’ve carried for a long time. Things that manifested themselves through my weight.
4. For years I not only heard the voice of the enemy…. I joined in and entertained the thoughts. Things like:

” You’re fat.  You are always going to be fat.  Just don’t worry. Be happy this way.”

“Stop fighting. You’ve been defeated. You can’t win.”

“You’re such an ugly fat woman.”

“How can you talk about God and his truth looking like that?”

“It’s ok….You’ll always be the chubby woman with curly hair”

“Stop blogging, who would want to read from a woman who keeps gaining weight? Everyone sees It.”

That wasn’t the end… I confronted rejection, fear, control (lots of control), sadness etc.  I was a mess! No wonder the weight was still there. I believe that my physical weight was a manifestation of what was happening internally. There were things that I didn’t recognize as current issues, but were important enough to come up 20 something years later, good or bad they were important to who I am today.  What helped in confronting these issues was being given a safe place to talk and even more to cry…and cry…and cry…and when I thought I was done I would cry some more.

This is why I feel the call to write to you today.  I feel called to share this with you because I believe that some of you have struggled with your weight for YEARS and still haven’t been able to break through.  I know so may woman personally who have sat back and played the enemies lies over and over in their mind. I know women who cry, who are depressed, who feel defeated because the weight won’t come off even after like me, trying everything. I want to challenge you today to ask God for courage to seek help.  Some of you may just need an accountability partner, some  need to shift your schedules around to prioritize time for yourself and others of you are carrying years and years of emotional baggage around your hips, waist, arms and legs and you need emotional guidance.  I know how you feel….that was/is me! If you are there please seek counsel.  If you attend a church perhaps you can get counsel there or seek an outside source (preferably Christian as they bring in the spiritual aspect).  Wherever you go make sure you feel safe to be vulnerable and welcome the emotions as they come…if you are sad then cry (something I really struggle with), if you are mad express that.  It is important to get the support you need.

I believe there are overweight women like myself who have been bound  by emotional baggage dressed up as physical weight.  Some of you have carried false burdens, some of you are exhausted and some have listened to the lies for so long you forgot what God sounds like. Well, I want you to know God loves you, YOU are His favorite, You were fearfully and wonderfully made, you are so important to God he sent His son on a cross for you… That’s pretty outstanding.  Today I pray God fill you with Hope  I pray He removes the lies and fill you with his truth.  I pray peace over you, forgiveness  fill you and Jesus comfort you.

I’ll share more soon…God bless you

Be encouraged today… We can do this…The best is yet to come!

Madelynn

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” John 8:32