My mother raised me to be physically aware from a young age. I remember being 5 and my mother sharing how special our bodies are and how valuable I was. She and I were sitting upstairs in her bedroom when she went over the different parts of my body and explained how special they were. Then she graciously explained good touch/bad touch and stressed how important it was to know that I would never be at fault if ever something were to happen to me. As hard of a talk that must’ve been for my mom, she did it like a champ and I happily took it all in. After that chat my mother shared that she and I were best friends and we could share anything with one another and I believed her, I knew I was safe, all was well in my world.
At the age of six I was in the first grade and I loved school! First grade was representative of many firsts for me. It was my first time in school for a full day, I used to go half day as a kindergartener. It was my first time sitting at my very own desk all day. It was also my first time going to gym and that was a big deal. There was so much I remember from that year, unfortunately, as an adult there are a couple of other firsts that I have recalled. First grade was the first time I experienced shame and guilt. It’s the first time I hid a secret, because it was in the first grade that I was molested. I wasn’t molested by an adult or even an adolescent, but by another first grader, he was six or seven years old as well and we were in the same class together. He touched me inappropriately on several occasions and I didn’t say a word about it to anyone. The first day it happened guilt and shame took root and went so deep that not even my mother, my best friend, who I knew would keep me safe, would be enough to make me speak. Thankfully, I was strong enough to open my mouth in the coat closet after this happened several times and I said “NO. STOP!” I remember his eyes opening wide as I scared him and he walked away and never touched me again. Six year old Madelynn was too ashamed to share that information with anyone so she took those incidents, those thoughts, feelings, that secret and she stuffed them way down her tiny little heart and spirit. She tucked them away into such a deep place that it took adult Madelynn looking for answers to find it.
Three years ago I began this journey to emotional healing and freedom. I wanted to know why after doing every diet known to man I couldn’t keep the weight off. I knew there was more and I was on a mission to get to the root of the issue. In seeking God and Godly counsel I found what I was searching for. What I shared with you about the young boy and I was what came about while I was getting ready to meet my friend Beth for lunch. I was in the mirror fixing my hair when the memories came to me like a bolt of lightning. It all happened so fast. Thankfully, my friend was ready to hear about my encounter that morning.
So, here I am, I have all this “new” information. How do I even start? Well first I acknowledged that it happened to me. I grieved for six year old Madelynn. I can imagine how afraid I must’ve been at that age to not tell a soul. I cried the tears I unknowingly held in for 29 years. I truly believe there is healing in those kind of tears. After I cried for my six year old self, I cried for the six year old boy who hurt me. As an adult I understand that those type of behaviors are learned and that little boy was a product of something very sad. I cried as an adult for him. Then I forgave. I forgave him for hurting me. I took him in my heart to the feet of Jesus and asked God to heal his heart wherever he was at that time in this world. Then I forgave myself. Sometimes, forgiving ourselves can be even harder. I forgave six year old Madelynn for not saying anything and for keeping the secret so long. I released myself from any “What if” questions and decided that God saw it fit for me to remember when I did. I prayed for a renewal of my heart and that as God took the hurt he would fill me with joy and peace and HE did just that! He is a GOOD, GOOD Father.
SO, the question of the hour, again, is “Madelynn, what does this have to do with weight loss?” My answer to you is EVERYTHING my friend! For decades I learned how to stuff feelings, how to stuff emotions, how to stuff food, lies and secrets into the deepest parts of me. In the stuffing came the shame, the guilt and the weight. I believe that my weight has been a physical manifestation of everything that has taken place internally. I believe many of us are walking around with problems that are manifestations of root causes that we have not shared or even refuse to confront because we believe it may be too hard or are scared to allow ourselves to go there. God is calling us, HE is calling YOU to go to the places that you have not allowed even HIM to go to.
My sweet sweet sister (or brother), it is time to silence the voice of the accuser! It is time to leave the guilt and the shame behind. If you have been sexually, physically or verbally abused it is time to allow yourself to go the places that hurt and allow yourself the opportunity to experience freedom. If you are reading this and you have struggled with your weight all your life, I encourage you pray and ask the Holy Spirit to show you where it started. You may not have a weight issue however your issues have physically manifested in other ways (lack of trust, promiscuous, liar, jealousy) I want you to know it will take you going deep in order to be free.
You’re so strong. I love you and appreciate you being my friend so much.
I appreciate you! Thank you!
Wow… Amen… all I can think of right now is the song “In your freedom I will live…2x I offer devotion!!!🙌🏽🙏🏽
Amen! That sounds about right <3
Sweet sister … You are so brave. Thank you . Thank you for sharing that pain with us. It was so important. A gift. My story is different but very much the same. My heart hurts for all of the littles who experienced the weight of trauma and have been carrying it around in their bodies. Secrets kill and they always manifest. My weight was just a symptom of a lot of running and hiding as well. I was like a speedboat trying not to let the wake catch up … Running, ignoring,avoiding,stuffing. So lonely and painful in that speedboat. Letting the wake ifinally hit me and toss my boat around was the best thing i ever did.and what made me finally ready to move forward in wholeness. You are 100% on the right road , beloved ….. and I am SO proud of you, Madelynn. Let me know if there’s any way that I can support you. I will be praying and believing with you. The time is now.
Oh Kristin! Thank you so much for your words. I love that you said secrets kill and they manifest…SO TRUE! I am so glad you have moved forward in your wholeness…I am closer than I’ve ever been. Funny I always thought I’d been thin when I got closer…It just confirms weight loss starts inside. Love you! lets get coffee soon!
YES PLEASE ! Name the time and I’ll be there ! I want a face to face !
So good, Madelynn! Unfortunately I know this trauma all too well. Healing is definitely a process for me, and this blog has prompted me to confront it again. Love you, cousin! Proud of you😘
Ugh! This breaks my heart…Too many secrets… that’s why the Bible talks so much about light. God knows! I love you and am here to serve you in any way I can. Keep me posted! Love you!
All my love is going to little and adult Madelynn! This was a powerful and brave post my friend.
Thank you for the love <3 I appreciate your coming by and commenting. Im grateful for how my life has turned out...God is good!
Madelynn, this so encourages me to ask the Lord to show me if there are any places, people or situations in the past, including my childhood, that are keeping me stuck so I can work through them and move forward in victory. Thank you for your transparency!
Anne, thank you for reading my blog!!!! I love seeing your comments. I always believed ask, seek, and knock in Matthew was about specific prayer requests…I now understand that verse is also to hear and wait on the Lord in so many other ways. If we are ready HE will ask, seek and knock HE will open the door and answer in truth!
SO proud of your boldness, Mad. The Lord surely grieves this violation of your body, and I know he will continue using your courage to bless others. Love you sister!
Thank you Mere! I am so grateful for your kind words and support. Thank you!!!! Love you!