“Eating this right now won’t kill me,” “I am doing well, I can afford to go off my eating plan,” “This pizza isn’t that bad for me,” “I’ll start again tomorrow,” “I’m too tired to go to the gym.” These are all the excuses I started with a couple months ago; a LONG couple months ago. A one-time cheat meal on an emotionally bad day turned into two, then three, then four-HUNDRED! Months later I have gained all my weight back and I am RIGHT where I started almost two years ago. I’m frustrated with how I look physically, I’m up one moment and down the next emotionally and I absolutely lack all kind of grace and am really upset with myself because of where I am in this journey. Some days, I find myself in a horrible slump. Funny, you would think not losing weight would help/motivate you to lose it…. Nope, I gained and I gained ALL of it! AGAIN!
It’s crazy how it all started. I was doing better, I got a workout plan that I enjoyed and I figured out what my eating plan would be. But one night I stepped out of that plan and I have had such a hard time getting back on it which has affected my desire to work out. This in turn made going on social media difficult because anyone who knows me knows I am honest, almost to a fault. I can’t act like I’m not struggling and maybe my pride got in the way of confessing it, but staying away seemed easier.
I would go days even weeks without going on social media not only because of the shame but because the people I follow have either been in my shoes and have lost a massive amount of weight or are starting their journey and have been successful in a short amount of time. As happy as I am for them (which I really am, losing a large amount of weight is an amazing victory!) it was hard to see. That’s a hard pill to swallow when I’m going on two years of this up and down roller coaster I call “being fat out loud!” “Being fat out loud” means making my weight loss struggle public. Please know, I am not intending to shame my body, I am not about body shaming but I am also not about lying. The truth is I have gained weight AND:
- I am back to where I was and strongly dislike it (I have another word but hate is not nice).
- I took in all my “fat clothes” and now I struggle because those are now “skinny” clothes.
- I have not slept well in weeks maybe months since the weight has come on.
- I am an emotional wreck. Sometimes I just want to go under the covers and stay there.
- I think about my weight all day everyday; the thoughts are rarely positive.
- I am so happy to see people on social media lose the weight….I just want it to be my turn.
- I don’t like looking at myself in pictures….I feel like I am so much bigger than what I already think
- I want to change my hair, clothing and everything BUT….my body holds me back.
- My wedding rings are tight again.
- I’m ALWAYS tired. ALWAYS!
- I have used my asthma pump more than I would like to admit.
- I think twice about going places where I haven’t seen people in a while for fear of them seeing my weight gain.
In the couple months I have considered stopping this blog and discontinuing my public journey. But I never have a peace about it. Just a couple weeks ago I was thinking about what life would be like with WSWE when I walked into a store and would you believe a WSWE follower worked there! She was so sweet and asked me questions about my life, things I share here and I was so humbled by her. I couldn’t believe she read this blog and that WSWE was making a difference. Then I went to church and a young woman I met told me I looked familiar. At one point she looked at me and her eyes opened wide and she said “YOU’RE WHAT SIZE WAS EVE!” This young woman smiled as she told me I had a great site and I encouraged her to work out, she even started sharing WSWE with a friend of hers in front of me! Once again I was shocked and humbled by God. As much as I have tried to run away HE keeps reminding me of where I need to be, more than that HE is reminding me of who I need to be. Just when I thought I was done…
HE GAVE ME HOPE.
This last week has been one of reflection, meditation and taking steps in the right direction. First things first… Forgiveness. Dictionary.com defines the word forgive like this: “to cease to feel resentment against.” Typically forgiveness is for someone else but this time I have to forgive myself. I was so close to my biggest 1st goal weight in years and I messed up. I totally messed up. In my time of weakness I slipped. I fell and in my resentment toward myself I failed to get up sooner. I sulked and stressed and the pounds came back. I got madder and sadder and ultimately fatter. So I am publicly forgiving myself! Jesus came, he died on a cross, not for perfect people, but for the imperfect; the ones who keep falling and messing up. People like me, who have to ask for help and forgiveness for the same thing year after year, sometimes week after week and even meal after meal. The same way He forgives, I must also forgive, even myself. Resentment is what it started as and bondage is what it was becoming. I refuse to live my life lacking freedom; God is too powerful to live as someone who is bound.
Just this morning, I was reading a devotional about weight loss (it’s a plan on Youversion called The Weight loss Scriptures Devotional) I read the following verse and I think it confirms all I have sensed from the Lord these last couple weeks:
“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing; forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…” Philippians 3:13
God couldn’t have given me a more perfect verse. Humbly, I confess, I have not achieved my goals….but it’s time for a clean slate! It’s time to throw away my timeline and start again. It’s time to take this journey back day by day, victory by victory. JESUS makes all things new and I have to accept that for this season in my journey.
How are you doing? Have you been faithful your journey or have you lacked faith? Have you wanted to stay under the covers and not come out? Are you avoiding people because you don’t want them to see you’ve gained weight? Is it hard for you to see people who have lost their weight? PLEASE know this is for you. The Lord is calling you & me to live a life free from the lies of the enemy. A life worth living! Not one preoccupied with thoughts of how much weight you gained and how many people have noticed. Can I please encourage you to join me in forgiving yourself and accepting a clean slate? God’s truth is so different from our truth. My “fat” truth is real but GOD’s truth is greater! Today I am choosing to remove the covers I have been under and begin my journey to true freedom. I REALLY hope you will join me in focusing on one thing, forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead! I look forward to celebrating with you!
Thanks for sticking around!
Be encouraged today…We can do this…The best is yet to come!
Madelynn
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” John 8:32
So proud of you, cousin! God is using you and listen, we all fall short–but you’re getting back up and that is all that matters! You are beautiful in every way and you WILL achieve your goals, in Jesus’ name!! Love you 🙂
Thank you!!!!! I appreciate it! I will… Can’t wait!
You inspire me! It was your blog that got me going. I woke up one day and thought I could do this. Recently, I fell into those same cheat day habits. I was thinking today I need to jump back on to lose these final 20lbs then jumped on the dreaded scale saw that it now turned into 25lbs. I love jogging and need to get back to eating low carb. Anyhow, I’m here, I struggle, we all do. It take courage to set this site up, I’m proud of you. I’m not too far away to join you on a jog or any other workout routine. You’ll do great. Please continue to inspire us! Love us ~Vicky
Vicky!!! Thank you so much! You look great. You have come a long way… Keep it up. I was 18 lbs away from my big goal don’t go back! Learn from me! You can do it. Thank you for your kind words. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I’m very blessed. Thank you!
You are not alone! I’ve been in a slump due to a pesky medical condition I’ve developed which did truthfully limit me and put the brakes on my routine but that made me angry, frustrated and sad. So I turned to food again. In between the ill days I’ve had days of feeling well so I jump on it and get a work out in. . . Then undo the hard work by eating poorly. I’ve recreated a pattern/habit of eating poorly again. I don’t like the way I look or feel, that makes me sad, I turn to food. THANK YOU FOR SHARING SO HONESTLY. Thank you for hearing God’s voice and being obedient. I don’t want my mind to be consumed with this subject day and night. I too need to forgive myself and move forward. The struggle is real but we are children of the King! ROMANS 8:37 “No, in all these things WE are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so hard to share but I know I have to. It’s a blessing to know this isn’t in vain. Let’s meet up soon! We live so close to each other! Maybe we can get together when it gets warmer 🙂 thanks again!
Beautifully honest. You’re so brave to face the hard truth & even braver to share it publicly. How could anyone not be inspired!
Thank you Marcia! That’s so sweet. 🙂
My love, you truly are a inspiration to me and so many. You are a courageous woman and know that God rewards courage! Thank you for sharing from your heart truthfully, no holds barred! You are beautiful in so many ways. My weight is affecting me physically, mentally emotionally and I am tired of it!!! Just 5 yrs ago I lost 70 lbs and I was in the best shape of my life at 30. But…little by little, lie by lie I gained it all back and I don’t dislike it. I HATE IT! I’m sorry that I have not been your rock and support in this area, sorry for not leading the way as God calls me to. That is all going to change, I am all in with you in this journey. We are going to meet our goals and surpass them together and to God be the glory! You and I and WSWE nation! The bible say’s many hands make the load light. Lets’s all start lifting for each other!!! I Love you! Your hubby
You are and will always be my hero. Thank you and I love you!
Sister. I’m so glad to hear that you are getting back up again. You encourage me everyday. I have also slacked in my journey. It’s tough Sunday mornings now, as I think of what to wear. I also see a friend from high school posting some of her weight loss pics and although I’m super proud, I find it hard to like her pictures. Blah. I too need to pick myself up again. Grateful for his mercies that are new each day. Dusting myself off. Thank you. Love you. Lace up!!
#laceup that’s all you! Thank you Betty. Do grateful for you! <3
Thank you for this, it is very inspiring. The weight loss saga seldom comes in one episode, we fall but we rise just like you did. I started it all over two days ago, and am not 100% sure I will go through this time, until there’s a solution to my emotional overeating problem. What do you do for that?
Emotional eating is real and prayer, seeking God and recognizing what triggers it is how I try to handle it. I hope your successful!
Sweetie stay focus! Don’t give up! You didn’t once and you can do it again. It will probably harder this time around but don’t give up.
Amen! Thank you! Pushing thorough whether I like it or not! Thanks!
Madelyn,
Don’t give up. Stay focus and know that you did lose the weight and you can again.
It’s so easy to have a cheat day turn into a back to back ones, but remember your ultimate goal! Being healthy and be confident in your OWN skin.
Each day will be a mental battle but you have to stick with it. I’ve lost close to 10 pounds by watching what I eat and working out from home. It’s not easy as a matter of fact my video is calling my name right now. Oh how I rather stay in my warm bed but I know have to do this for myself and most importantly for Makayla. I want to be healthy for her and to show her healthy eating habits can be yummy and fun.
I love you and miss you dearly. Oh how i wish we were still at Bethel, life was easy than 😉 lol we definitely saw each other everyday. Love you always…..
Bonnie
I was tossing and turning all night thinking about your blog and conversation. Thanks for blogging most of my feelings. Today I start a new journey with restoring my relationship with God and I’m really really going to push myself to get healthy. I love the support you give. Love you!!!!! We got this sis!!!!
That made me a little emotional! Jas only Jesus will help us break this, it’s hard with Him, I can’t imagine this journey without him! We can support each other and we will get this! Thank you for sharing. I know it’s not easy! <3
Speechless! Thank you! Praying God meet you in a new way. In a way that’s life changing and chain breaking. So proud of you!!! Thank you!
Wow! Madelyn, thanks for sharing your heart, you have me in tears. My wish for you is to be healthy and strong, day by day. I will continue to pray for you. God has put you here for such a time as this and you truly have encouraged and inspired me. Love ya!
Thank you Lucy! All glory to God sis! Thanks for you support. I appreciate you sharing… God bless you! Xoxoxoxo
Madelynn … as I just sat here and read your heart all out there on the page , I recognized every word that I never said but wanted desperately to scream as I walked the same road … again and again and again infinity. I am so crazy proud of you for being brave and not hiding behind ” I’m fine” and big flowy clothes like I did. Hiding is enemy territory . I believe that you just dealt a mighty blow to his plans to steal your joy, kill your hope and destroy your self esteem. Check mate.
Cheering you on and praying in a knowing kind of way .
Kristin, your comment blessed me more than you know. THANK YOU! That was powerful. I can’t even tell you how profound that is. Thank you for sharing!